You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
