why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize