I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
