Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize