Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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