I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
