Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just had sex on a roof
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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