It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
