I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
