That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
