By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
