Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
