Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
