Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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