Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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