Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
