Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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