he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm really busy with my period
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