its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
