That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
