I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
