My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
