yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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