On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
