Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
