dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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