Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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