just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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