Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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