I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I want her autograph on my taint
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
