I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
