i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
