i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
