He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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