there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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