I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
