apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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