Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You have to summon your inner elephant
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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