why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
