He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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