Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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