ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
