At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You ever have a fart follow you around?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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