I will die if light touches me.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
