i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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