I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
