She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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