Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
