It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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