I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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