4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
