I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
