i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
