i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
