You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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