i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
