I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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