he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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