when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
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