Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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