It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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