He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
