if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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