i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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