he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
