I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
