Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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