Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Dear god my vagina.
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