dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
