What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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